Love (UPD)
Love ⠀ Hi so while I was rewatching Doukyuusei it got me thinkin’ about my own love life… More like my experience with love. I definitely have a desire for it but it’s not in a “normal” way. People are always like talkin’ about love right? It’s something expected out of someone, so when a person like me who just doesn’t get “normal” things hears that I guess I make it into a “goal”, something I need to achieve in order to move on. So I guess any s/o for me would count more as a “trophy” of sorts aha..,,…,, Kinda mean right…
This makes me sad about my previous relationship though. He was someone I was actually able to feel “normal” love with. Weird right !! I won’t lie and say I was the best boyfriend but I also wasn’t the worst. He said I was the only person that made him feel loved so that has to count for something right?(lolol) Truly I don’t think I actually “fell in love” with him till this one conversation. I usually feel the same about everyone I “love”, right, but i dunno when we talked so openly with each other I felt like “wow this must be what those lovey dovey people feel like”. Someone you can just be yourself with. That’s who he was to me.
When I realized I was for real in love with him I panicked lolol .,,,.. that’s when I ultimately broke it off. Crazy I know ! But it was an accumulation of a buncha stuff, school mainly, mental stuff, home life, etc all the sad sob stuff ykyk? I think if I could do it over I would’ve asked to at least stay friends but alas mentally unwell me is a dramatic ..! Anyway I’m still sorry to him about the way everything was and for not being fully transparent about myself. Now he’s a “different” person from then and I think I’ve finally stopped loving him. I think cus my love, when it’s “real”, is so intense I kinda hold out some sorta hope but I think it’ll go away lol
Another thing I’m adding much later than the previously stated above: I love people and fiction all the same. There’s no real line between them to me (aside from the obvious..?) I either love real people like fictional characters or I love fictional characters like real people and I think I lean more towards the latter. It may sound heartless n cringe or whatever but It is genuinely just how I have learned to perceive the world.
I guess what Im tryna say is that my “love” is very superficial! Somethin’ i feel only cus ‘m told to. “Thank you for being a victim of my shallow emotions” — Ivan ALNST, at first I didn’t know where this quote came from and only heard it around. I use it cus it’s very accurate to how I believe myself to be, shallow, “heartless”, and “empty”. “I like you so damn much” — “Hikaru” TSHD, the way it’s said and the context it’s said in helps but generally “Hikaru” is pretty accurate to my feelings. I don’t really necessarily think that my love being superficial is a bad thing though. It’s just how I am and there have always been exceptions to this superficial-ness
03.30.25 — Update
I’ve realized that when I start to feel like I’m wanting for love I think of all the people in my life I love. It’s really nice to know that I can be happy without romantic love! The main person that comes to mind is Ross my “big brother”! I get all sentimental when I talk about him but truly he’s one of the best things in my life and my number one role model !!